Confessions...

I just had to talk myself down, because no one else was around to do it. Some shit went down with my sister- she wanted to go to a bar, and she just almost got kicked out of drug court for being caught in one. She was in jail a good month for it. And she JUST got her ankle braclet off... and because she was drinking, she decided she'd go out. And I tried to talk her out of it, but she doesn't give a fuck what I have to say. She broke my heart tonight. Just ripped it out. And Abby just came in, I needed her all night, and I said it's too bad you didn't come in when I was sobbing... and she left. You know what, I'm upset, and fuck it- whatever. I'm done. I'm done reasoning with my sister... it's not like I'm the only person who stood beside her all my life, who was there for her through everything. And you know what, yes I would have liked it if Abby left David's side for a moment to check on me. I should not have had to tell MYSELF to put down the knife. I should not have been the one to say that I didn't have to be like you know who, and relapse. I just... wish someone would have been there. And they weren't.

Story of my life.

Fic and Video coming soon...

I have a legit. reason why I have not posted in a while. I've been sick! All month long I've been sick... and yes, that sucked. I finally saw the MD two days ago. I'm on a few more drugs than usual, but I'm feeling better. I has some virus that was going around... not swine flu! lol... And of course, a sinus and ear infection. The only annoying part for me is the coughing. I was coughing nonstop for a while, and couldn't sleep. Currently I can't sleep because the bed is too uncomfortable at my sister's house. And that wouldn't be so bad if I has at least one good pillow to sleep with. I had one good pillow on that bed, that was sort of 'my' pillow. But no, she took it. She has four poofy pillows on her bed, and she can't let me have just one of them. That would be asking far too much. She went into the grocery store today, while Abby and I went into the pet store. We were playing with these adoreable puppied when she came in. We were all happy, and were just like... look how cute they are. We didn't act for then, or anything like that... not that we'd have the money even if we could, and we don't need more. But she's like, I don't want to see them, you can't even take care of the ones you have. Which for one, is rude. Why would you say that in front of people, especially the nice store clerk. Two, is completely and utterly untrue. If we didn't take care of them, why would we have them? And why would she continue to get them for Abby and I??? My Dominick is a VERY happy and spoiled dog, I take very good care of him, he's my baby! Same with Jack and the cats! My hampster, Nigel, gets his cage changed once a week whether he needs it or not. He always has fresh water, food, and treats. Same with my birds. My HUGE goldfish is the only one that goes a little longer without his tank being changed because it's hard ass work, and takes two people to do. But it's not like it's mirky in there, just not purely clear. Hell, I even take care of the outside cats, and mom feeds the birds and various critters around our house. We take care of more than our share. Abby does the same. First thing she does in the morning is come downstairs and take care of the bunnies, and feeds her cat. And then Sandra constantly says she neglects the bunnies, which I know for a fact is completely false. And you know that else? If we made a snarky remark like that to HER? We'd get bitched at, nonstop. I think sometime she forgets she's my sister and not my mother. I already have one, thank you. I think she wants be to treach her differently because she's my elder... but that's just not how it goes. She's my sister. I'm going to treat her like my sister, not a teacher, or othoritive figure. I don't disrespect her, but I'm not going to treat her like my mother either.
I don't really have a disposible income. I did start selling Avon, but my online friends haven't exactly been helpful there like I thought they would be. >.> Rebecca. >.> I mean really, who cares if you like "Mary Kay" more, it's about supporting me and my efforts to finally get some income. If my agoraphobia I can't hold a proper job. I can't go door to door with Avon. And I'm not social, and popular enough to sell online... so I get maybe twenty to thirty bucks, at that. And then today, my sister takes us out to eat, and makes me pay for my own. I had 16 dollars in the bank, and she had over 200 in cash... and I have to pay for my own? I owe Mom ten bucks.
And I love how they talk about us ( Abby and I) behind our backs, and make plans for us. Sandra is saying we'll have lists, and if we don't do then then Mom won't buy stuff for me, and Sandra won't by stuff for Abby. Which is fucking rediculous. I can understand Abby needing chores and stuff... and just what you do as a teenager. But I'm fucking 21 if you want me to do something, just fucking ask, don't threaten me. Mom doesn't buy me shit anyway! Mom will say, I shouldn't have to ask, you should just do it. What the fuck, you want me to read your fucking mind!? I don't know what you want me to do! I don't clean disorder. I don't mind a little clutter. And then, when you DO do stuff around the house, they don't notice. Sandra gave me $20 to get ear buds... and then she says she exspects me to do house work around her house for it. Bullshit. You've stolen, and put me in debt more than you can ever loan me back. That's not cool.
-sigh-
And of course, I can't tell her that because she'll say I'm dragging up the past. Well, I can't get a sears card because of the past. I have a bad credit score because of the past. And if I ever got a credit card, my interest would be discusting because of the past. Just... bullshit.

That's all for now.

It's hard to believe I've not updated in so long. I couldn't tell you why, but I will to my best in the future not to take so long. We've been having money issues, I've been generally depressed or sick, and yet life ever moves forward. I suppose a situation update is in order as I let off with a pretty concerning post- which has been changed to private because the situation has changed and those are no long appropriate words of expression. I will never delete an entry I write, because they are the expressions of my emotions at the time I post them... even if I don't have all the information at that time... but that does not disqualify my feelings. But all the same, the post doesn't need to be read and misinterpreted by others.

A general update... Since my post about the guy who asked me out- we didn't stay "together" more than a week. I wouldn't even call him my boyfriend as we didn't get past the getting to know each other part. But, turns out he was a crazy bastard. Calling at all hours, and such. And then when I said it wasn't going to work, he flipped out and said some pretty harse things. And THEN tried to smooth things over with Abby, lie to her to make her like him, and hit on her. All in the same night... lovely. So yeak, so much for that.

Nest update being about Abby, as the last post was about her. The one now set to private. It was basically a really rough deal, and it turned out not to be her fault. I expressed to her that I wasn't angery with her, but more hurt. But learning that she would never willingly leave us like that... god when I hugged her that day I never wanted to let her go. We've moved past it, and just continued to get closer. I absolutely LOVE Abby, she is blood to me, family. And I want everyone to know that... I would announce it to the world- that's my little sister and there is not a think anyone could say to make me feel differently.

Um, what else now? Oh, a week ago my stepped on my glasses and yesterday they were fixed, yippee!

Steve proposed to Inna... I'm very happy for them, and I hope they have a long happy life together. My happiness for them, however, did not stop me from crying and feeling as though my heart was breaking. It'll take me a while to get past. I don't want to sound like a crazy fan girl... he just- was the first person to ever make me feel the way I did. I almost don't know how to feel at this point, but I'll get through this.

It's too fucking early to be awake, and yet- here I am... updating my journal from my room at my sister's beautiful house in the country. I think I'm going to go down, find something to eat, change into my clothes, and perhaps sit outside a while. It's a bit chilly, but that doesn't make the mornings here any less beautiful. I wish someone else was awake... I like to have a chat in the morning... no one else usually does... >.>

Ah well, stink bug I mes go toss outside... ttyl.

So we had the happy fun post... now here is the usual post. A poem... A letter to my brother, and a few photos.... so without any ado what so ever... here you are...

Beauty
What is beauty?
Is it the shape of a body?
A curve of the lips?
Is it the measure of a smile?
A sparkle of the eye?

Is it physical?
... or intellectual?

Maybe it's striking wit?
Or dry humor...
Perhaps the very way the mind works.
Could be pure honesty.

What makes me beautiful?
What makes you beautiful?

Anyone could guess...
But it's all in the eye of the beholder.

--------------------------------

And now, the letter to my brother...

Dear Ben,
        This may be a letter may never see- but I just need to say; you don't know me.
The assumptions you make, just prove it. Yes, I know how little you think of me. I
know you never have and never will, believe in me. But I suppose you it's your loss-
because I'm an amazing person to know. I'm not evil. I don't worship the devil. I 
worship the earth, just like my ancestors did. I have never done anything to deserve
your hate. It's true, we have different views, different tastes, but that's a part of being
human. America is freedom, yet you're a tyrant in your household. You call yourself
a christian, but I've seen no proof. Going to church doesn't mean a thing if you don't
follow the teachings. I cannot say you are a good person- and I know that's not how
Mom raised us. She never taught us hatred. I don't know who you think I am- but
you're wrong. I just want you to know that- you never took the time to know me. And
I loathe everything about you. I abhor the way you've made me feel all my life. Like
I wasn't good enough. Maybe one day you'll see this- maybe one day you'll regret the
time we could have had...
          I'll never forgive you for being a bastard. I'll always hate you for breaking my
heart and spirit. And I will never look up to you again. You are not my brother - just
some trail I must endure.
 
                                             Sincerely,
                                                     The Bane of Your Existence-
                                                                             T.S.

------------------------------------------------

Finally, photos...
Mary


Steve


And today's honorable mention...
Simon

That sounds to much better than it is. I'm going to update twice today. With this one, and then the sort of normal post.  But anyway, the news is- I kinda gots a boyfriend now. For like, 24 whole hours. We met last night as my sister's party, and he's pretty adorable. We have a lot in common... he's really kinda shy though. I had to ask him to ask me out, because he was shy about it. But he was so flirting with me the ENTIRE time. Abby was getting angry because he wouldn't shut up at first. But it's okay, I know how it can be when you like someone and you go into that mode where you just can't stop talking out of excitement. I'll post a photo if I ever get one. But it made me think about the things that are important to me in someone I date... and I thought I would list them.

It's is physical stuff....

~ Hygene!
         So important it's not even funny. They need to be clean and well kept. Clean under the nails, trim them- clean skin and hair, so on. I'm a clean freak.

~ Teeth!
              Very, very, very important. I will never kiss someone with nasty teeth, or smelly breath. I don't care if they're perfectly straight... I care if they're CLEAN. Not yellow or worse. Not plaquey... It's not that hard to whiten your teeth, and brush them at least twice a day. Hell, I brush my at the very least, three times dailey.

~ Smell!
              Oh my god, you have to smell good. I love, love, love men's colonge and aftershave. Old Spice, AXE, and New York Nights are my favorite. I probably won't want to cuddle if you don't smell good.

And to be honest, those are the three major ones, physically, the rest is negotable. ^_^

Intellectually...
           I like a man who is well spoken, who thinks about what they're going to say it, and is easy to understand. Someone who is open minded enough to accept that I AM bisexual, I will still giggle over people I like, and that I love gay men. I also don't like needy people- I don't want to be asked how I feel ever ten seconds, or what attracted me to them. I don't want to tell them what I think about them constantly- I'm dating you, obviously I like you... stop worrying. I don't want to be called twenty times a day, nor do I want forty messeges on my phone when I check them. Distance makes the heart grow fonder- Don't ever, ever lie to me; because I won't take that. BE CONFIDENT! I need that. I need you to be confident in yourself, and not second guess everything to do. Understand that my family will always come first- and understand that I probably won't want to talk to you when I have my period... and that I can be a bitch sometimes, and that I can be overly excited sometimes, and that I can share too much information sometimes... also, that I am an emotional creature, and that I can doubt myself and the people I'm around. I don't want you to know my life story all in one day... I want you to get to know me in pieces... I don't try to get attached too quickly, because I don't trust people... and that's part of who I am. I want to be able to debate with you. I want you to have your own opinions, and your own taste. Just because I don't like it, doesn't mean you shouldn't... and just because I enjoy something, does not mean you have to enjoy it to. I'm indepentant, and it will probably take a long time before I comfortablt with you. I'm flawed and I'm human- never put me on a pedistoole... it's just a bad idea.

I think that's it for now.... I need a fucking nap.

Oh yeah! It's 4:33AM, I have to be up by like, 6:30am... and I have a busy say... but I'm totally doing a huge ass update.

Firstly, my mother's birds are doing great. They're adorable. My sister and her step-daughter, Abby are moving to the country-ish, I'm helping them do so. It's really pretty there, can't wait to visit when they're all settled. I'll take photos today and post them later. But lets get down to business....

My rant of the day:
     ( Read about my brother being an ass... as usual... )

On to a brighter subject.... PHOTOS! Yay.

( Take a look! )

And finally, mother's day stuffers....

Photos of the card and envolope I made my mom:
( Looky looky... )

And last but not least, the letter that I wrote my mother for mother's day...  As fair warning, and very cheesy...

( Read it... )

Well, I havnen't updated in a while because I've been having computer trouble. First, laptop death and repair. I get it repaired, and the next day, it breaks again. What the fuck? Well, the first time it was a bad hard drive. This time it's a bad hard drive and broken fan. Again, what the fuck? This is a brand new laptop! Luckily, both times I was able to save all my stuff. Though this will be the third time I've had to upload World of Warcraft... which takes like two days. Which fucking sucks.

So, I'm at the K-Mart um... computer area, updating le journal here. I have some manips to put up on Justin_Barrette... and lots of Icons to add to Anit_Graphics... but of course, I have to wait for the bloody laptop for that. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Kate, my lovely, wonderful darling. I love you, Happy Easter... althought I don't know if you celebrate it. In which case, Happy Spring!!!

I'm going to be 21 in three months... obviously not including this month... so, I guess technocally two months, because my birthday is July 7th.

Charater Updates:

Nigel and Lysander are dating. Nigel things Lysander is a sexy beast.

Mary and Nigel are best friends, she often force feeds him. And I honestly think she rather has a crush on him... But you didn't hear that from me. Mary has been working in the morgue.

Tom has run away with James... I think he's just finally made James take time off, and they on some tropical island somewhere living off of nature, chatting by the fire at night- and making passionate love under the stars. I don't know if you can confirm that or not, Kate.

Julian is doing very well after his surgery, his hand writing is worst than ever- but he's working on that... hopefully he'll be able to writing James soon. He's concerned about the odd looks the medical staff are giving him.

Mr.Blifil has discoved Soduko... he's gone through seven books, and it's getting pricy.

Bishop has been stalking Nigel.

Flynn has added Tigars to his act. He has yet to be eaten.

Scarlett finally has a photo... she Olivia Wilde.

Desmond still won't talk to me... he fears I'm a Morlock... But I hear him singing very loudly, and slamming on the piano in the basement at odd hours of the night. I'm not sure how he was ever a top selling rock star... guess it's a Death Metal thing... which I will never get.

That's it for now. Heading home.

Reba, I am going to call you when I get there.

Love to all.

xoxo

These are just some photos  of Steve that I wanted to show Reba- but of course with my computer dead I can't just email them or send them over AIM... so I shalt post here. Woot. lol These are small though, because lj makes them small. So if anyone wants the full size, just ask and I'll get them up.

     
         
 < Reba this is  the one